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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

REALIZATION : A good day to die


“Yes, this is a good day to die,” I said to myself late this afternoon while riding on a jeepney on my way to downtown Davao City. On my hand was a book I have always longed to read— Paulo Cuelo’s The Alchemist. I was on the part where the camel driver taught the young shepherd Santiago on taking life one at a time when I mumbled the thought to myself. Staring blankly on the roadside, I began to see the latest episodes of my life flashed before me. All of them vague but seem to boil down to only a few message—that I haven’t been taking things decisively lately, that I have failed to believe in myself (quite different from the “me” seven years ago who is full of confidence and self- assurance) and that I haven’t seen things the way I supposed to see it.

Just the night before, having a conversation with friends I haven’t seen for the longest time, I confide in them my frustrations, insecurities and failures (according to my belief) and I could recall when one of them simply looked at me with smiling eyes of either despise, amusement, or ridicule— I can’t seem to know.

When I arrived home later that evening, I thought to myself that I really haven’t grew up as I used to convinced myself. That in my age, I have not really achieved the things I thought I would before and that I am not the person everyone expected me to become.

Back in the jeepney, looking at two young women sitting opposite me, I asked myself, “Am I ready to die today?” Then, I looked back on the life I lived in the past few years—my failure to finish college, my involvement with the Church, the relationships that I have had, friends, family and job and remarked, “yes, perhaps, this is a good day to die.”

But hey, where was the part that I realized it? What was with the thoughts of my recent days that assured me that this day is good for dying? I honestly, do not know, I just felt it. That is how most things work, right? Feeling it.

Then I began to smile to myself as if I had the best thought in the past weeks and feel like looking forward to make my day. I returned to my reading and learn more things, about the Soul of the World and the Language of the Universe and enjoy the journey and learning of the shepherd Santiago. I know that I would soon forget the things I learned from that book, like the rest of the lessons from books that I came to bury in the immemorial.

But again, this is a good day to die. Perhaps one day I would learn to say it with more courage and conviction.

3 comments:

  1. I just wonder, who will be the first one to post something in here...

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  2. Hi Matt, I suppose we have to be ready to die each and every day, whether it be physical death or the act of allowing our flaws and misbeliefs to die a bit each day as we come to discover the truth. It's a difficult process. I admit I find it unusual to read about any kind of death from some one so young. At the risk of sounding a little patronizing (I do not mean it that way), you have so many years ahead of you to accomplish your dreams and goals. Most importantly, you are working dilligently toward the things you desire every day. You reap what you sew, and you are sewing positive seeds in the direction you want to go. Don't give up! You have talent, just continue to hone your skills like all writers do and you will find yourself exactly where you are meant to be in life. God does have a plan for you, to prosper you and bring you life more abundant. That is the truth.

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